Leaving

Leaving

We have decided to leave our current assignment in Romania due to my bout with depression.  Let’s call it what it is shall we.  Peace is released when truth is spoken and when we make ourselves vulnerable to God’s healing touch.  Confusion continues to rack my mind, my days continue to be filled with foggy thoughts and overwhelming emotions.  Why am I experiencing this ~ I haven’t a clue.  This was not part of my plan for ministry in Romania.  My plan was long-term, becoming a “career” missionary.  Scott has always said, “Life happens while your making plans.”  The plans that always seem to gather in my mind are my plans, not really considering what God might have in store, what God’s plan for the future entails.  God’s plans are usually not my first choice, even though we have sought after Him and followed His lead to the best of our understanding.  In that understanding now I sit and wonder why depression has to be a part of my current path?  I wouldn’t have picked depression as part of His plan if I knew it was coming - Would you?   I would never have guessed or even thought that I would be experiencing this deep dark place, yet here I am sitting smack dab in the middle of it, paralyzed by it.  I believe that God has a purpose for it and that in the near future He will make it all clear, continuing in His faithfulness to draw me closer, deeper still to His scarred side.  In the meantime I will do my best to let go of the plans that I had and place them at His feet, releasing all to Him, and just resting for now in the shadow of His wings.  Romania continues to be on His radar screen, He knows full well what His plans are for her.  I have learned that I am susceptible to the human condition.  I have learned that my emotions can overwhelm me much of the time and that ultimately God is my refuge and strength no matter what kind of storm I endure. 

We will be returning home, to the familiar, we will be returning to family and friends.  As Alison Krauss sings, “Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand”.  Until next time, May God’s grace tend to your every need as He has tended to mine ~ He is forever faithful ~

Home

The sun shines brightly most days in Lubbock Texas. We are surrounded by the warmth of the love of our family and friends, and we are led by God's peace. We have settled into a new home, new jobs, and a new pre-school. Olivia is loving the constant availability of her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I praise God for the year that I have had - I know more of God's great love and purpose for me. I thank God for your prayers. May God continue blessing you and yours as you serve the God of Glory!

A dark place...

"Man is so made that he can carry the weight of twenty-four hours, no more. Directly he weighs down with the years behind, and the days ahead, his back breaks. I have promised to help you with the burden of today only, the past I have taken from you and if you, foolish hearts, choose to gather again that burden and bear it, then, indeed, you mock Me to expect Me to share it." God Calling - May 29th

I have been in a dark place lately - not sure how I got here. I have been here before. I have tried to retrace my steps with the desire to not return to this place. I really don't like it here. It is a cold, damp, dark place - when I am in this place, my mind goes numb and I cannot seem to move myself out of this state. It is as if my mind freezes or becomes paralyzed for a time. I see myself looking up at the light as I sit on a damp, cold, dirt floor. I cry out, "Abba help me. Abba hold me. Abba sit with me here in this place and speak to my soul. Draw me to you ever so deeply. Protect me my Abba Father." I sense His presence in this place, He sits with me and He holds my hand. I hear Him say, "I will sit with you. I have a purpose for this - do you trust me here in the dark?" "I am trying to Abba, help me." I reply. It is so dark and cold - I can't see where to go - I don't know what to do. So... I sit, I wait, I cling to Him in silence. My mind is thick, my eyelids are heavy…

Perhaps I have subconsciously gathered the burden of the years behind, and the days ahead. Perhaps I am weighed down by my choice to bear the burden of the years behind and the days ahead. I think Jesus is calling me to live in the present. The promise that he has made to me is to help me with the burden of today only. I don't live in that promise from my Lord - I foolishly gather again and again the burden of the years behind and the days ahead and I bear it on my back - my back breaks by the weight of it all. Perhaps it is the weight upon my soul that pushes me down into the cold, damp, dark place. In this place my Spirit is vulnerable and weak. I know that God is with me now and that He is carrying me yet again out of the dark. I believe that this experience is a part of life on this earth. I do believe that there are things of the past and the future that we choose to bear that mocks what Christ did for us on the cross. But, I also know that life on this earth can be tough and as we pass through the valleys and climb up to the mountain tops we learn more about who we are and who God is. I find rest in the amazing grace of my Savior as I sit and wait...

A Simple Gesture

I walked into the small store and bought a bottle of water. On my way out I saw a young girl waiting for her coffee to exit the coffee machine. I reached out and patted her shoulder and smiled at her and went on my way. I climbed into the van and as I was shifting into gear the young lady passed by the van, turned, smiled and waved at me. I returned the wave and the smile. It warmed my heart. She said something that I couldn't hear, and then she turned around and walked over to the van. I rolled the window down and she began talking to me. I didn't get much of what she said. I told her that I only speak a little Romanian. She smiled. I touched her shoulder and wished her a good day. She wished me the same. As she walked away she turned once more and we exchanged smiles and waves again. I prayed for her as I drove home. Maybe I will see her again. Until then I will continue to pray for her. God knows her name. He knows where she lives and what she needs. I close my eyes and I see her precious little face. "Be with her Abba, comfort her I pray."

"Hello, can't you see me?"

I stopped by my favorite pastry shop for a few hot pretzels and an apple strudel. I was patiently waiting in line when to my right a woman and her husband came up and stood right next to me hedging their way to the side of the window. You see, for some reason some folks have a difficult time waiting their turn. Many times if you aren't paying attention someone will go right up to the side of the window and stick their head in and place their order. It amazes me! It is as if they don't see that there are people patiently waiting their turn. Well today, I knew what she was preparing to do. I have seen this maneuver many times and I have fallen prey to it as I wasn't standing close enough to the person in front of me (the physical closeness is rather uncomfortable for this North American). The folks in front of me completed their order and as they moved away she began to move in for the kill. I however, stepped right in front of her and I placed my order. My heart was pounding, and because of the adrenaline rush I think I ordered "Doi covergi fara sara" (2 pretzels without country) instead of "Doi covergi fara sare" (2 pretzels without salt). One letter makes a BIG difference. Anyway, what is ironic about this experience is that I had just had a conversation with myself (do you do that?) about trying to show something different with those I encounter. I will be honest and say that this type of disregard is a very difficult thing for me to just let happen (obviously!). I find it amazingly rude and I want to shout, "Hello…can't you see me standing here waiting my turn? Are you that much more important than the rest of the human race?" And, I will admit that this type of disregard doesn't endear me to the culture. I find it more difficult to experience warm fuzzies for folks who can't seem to act in a respectful way. God has been speaking to me about being vulnerable, about opening myself up to Himself and to others. I responded in a defensive way with the woman. I felt like I was on the basketball court again blocking out my opponent, trying to prevent her from scoring on me. I am learning that I need God's Holy presence in my life every second of every day. When left to myself, I don't show something different. I am realizing more and more that all of my encounters must be accompanied by the Holy Spirit - that I must be in constant communication with the One who is prefect and who wishes to work through me to show something different. I struggle daily with my human reactions. These reactions come so quickly and they are so natural. But, I know that God has more for me. I know that He can see me and that He is the only one who can transform me fully. I pray that step by step God will continue helping me realize that He is available 24/7. That by His power and grace something different can be shown - All for His glory and purpose.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability = is the susceptibility (an individual who is at risk of becoming infected or exposed to an infectious agent) to physical or emotional injury or attack. It also means to have one's guard down, open to censure or criticism; assailable (to attack somebody vigorously with words or actions - to overwhelm the mind or senses of somebody) - (definitions taken from Wikipedia).

The challenge of vulnerability was introduced to me a few weeks ago at a marriage retreat. Jeff, one of our retreat speakers, spoke about being vulnerable to our partner. This was a new concept for me. To me the understanding of vulnerability is vastly different from my previous ideas of submission, humility, and unconditional service. I struggle with submission, humility and unconditional service. The thought of being susceptible to attack or letting my guard down is really not a concept that I want to think much about. But as I listened to what Jeff was saying, I heard God say, "Be vulnerable to me first and then I will help you understand to beauty of being vulnerable to others." WOW! what a thought - "The beauty of vulnerability." I love to define words, a deeper understanding of the word's meaning has always been helpful. The words vulnerability, susceptibility, infectious agents, criticism, etc. really don't fill me with a desire to let my guard down. These words create the opposite effect in me - "Get those shields up and be prepared to defend!" Unfortunately, these words do accurately describe what God's creation does to one another. This type of interaction must break His heart. But, I think God has another idea. When I think about being vulnerable to God I am not afraid because time and time again God has revealed to me just how much He loves me and that all that He has planned is for the good. Even though the process has been painful and challenging, I am so thankful that He, the God of all, longs to have a deep and profound relationship with me. Let's think about the word susceptible - it is defined as an individual being at risk of becoming infected or exposed to an infectious agent. If we think about this concept in light of our relationship with God what might we see? God is all about love - God is love. So, as His child I am taking the risk of becoming infected or exposed to the infectious agent of God's love!? Interesting thought. If I become infected by the infectious agent of, oh let's say, the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control - Galatians 5) will I suffer or be harmed in any way by these infectious agents? Just sit with that one for awhile...think and pray over that one.

Let's think about the word attack. Typically it has a negative meaning right? However, it can also mean working with enthusiasm, determination and vigor. Let's return to the image of God and His perfect being. There is no evil in Him, He is pure and Holy. He is love and all things good. What if we were to drop our shields and open our hearts fully, vulnerably to the One and Only who is perfect and who wants to give good gifts to His children. What would happen if we allowed the Holy Spirit to attack our entire being enthusiastically, with determination and vigor, allowing the Spirit to overwhelm our minds and our senses? What if…What would happen? Instead of becoming physically or mentally ill by the attack, we would be healed - We would not be harmed, but healed and made whole by His precious touch. Oh…just take a minute and let this concept of vulnerability soak into your mind and into your spirit. Try this, assume the position of the cross. Lie on the floor with your arms stretched out and your feet together. Close your eyes and think about the concepts I just mentioned above - being susceptible to the infectious agent of God's love, being vulnerable to an enthusiastic, determined, and vigorous attack by the Holy Spirit of God that overwhelms your mind and spirit, pleading for Him to enter into the abyss of your soul with His Holy light that heals and transforms. Praying for God to make it so in your life. Only the Holy Spirit can help us become fully vulnerable to His touch. Let's start the process today. May God touch us so profoundly that we can do nothing but lie before Him in a state of vulnerability - Entrusting fully to His care our past, present, and future - Entrusting fully into His hands our relationships and our lives. He, is the One and Only who can handle such vulnerability. He, is the One and Only who can lead us to the beauty of being vulnerable to others as we serve Him.

May God receive all the glory.

Freedom's Flight

Imagine yourself the last to be hatched, perched at the edge of the family nest, contemplating your first flight. Your wings feel quite small and your feathers are few. You begin to wonder how in the world you will fly with these small wings and few feathers. Instinctively, you leap off the nest and you soar (kind of) flapping your wings as hard as you can. You land with a bounce into a soft pile of leaves. You pop to your feet dusting yourself off and you think, "Not too bad for my first flight. Now, how will I get back to the nest?" As you begin your way back to the nest you get a better feel for your wings as you make short hops back home. Time passes, your falls to the ground become more controlled, and the duration of your flights to and from the nest begin to lengthen - your wings grow stronger with each flight. All the while, your parents watch from a distance as you grow stronger with each flight. They have been available to guide and encourage you as you began your journey, but they have afforded you the freedom to exercise your wings and to strengthen your confidence in your innate abilities to fly skillfully. Their hope for you is driven by their desire to watch you succeed on your own as you leap off the edge of the nest and soar with your wings fully developed and strong and with the knowledge that you have acquired with every solo flight. Now you are able to enjoy the deep satisfaction that comes from freedom's flight.

Animals are amazing. God placed within them an instinct that guides them at all times. Humans are amazing. God gave us a brain that enables us to think, process, contemplate. Most of the time our minds override our instinct to just act or respond. We think, process, contemplate, then we act. The picture that I painted above would be a really cool thing to experience. Imagine being able to leap out of the nest instinctively - without a thought - without a second of hesitation. To jump knowing that something inside you tells you that all is well, and that this experience will teach you how to soar. A bird was created to soar. It is something it really wants to do. Instinctively it leaps in order to soar. Do you think that God ever intended for us to soar, instinctively? Does He desire for us to respond to Him instinctively - without a thought, without hesitation? Oh, you bet your boots He does! Easier said than done? You bet your boots! Why? Does it have anything to do with the "free will thing"? You know the reality that it is our choice to leap and soar instinctively or to perch ourselves at the edge of the nest and swing our feet back and forth contemplating what it would be like to actually fly - to take flight and sail on the wind. You have your wings, feathers, and you are mechanically built to fly - but instead you sit and you think, process, contemplate all of the things that could go wrong. You worry about what might happen to you and if the experience will be uncomfortable. Instinct can also be called faith. What would your life be like if you instinctively leapt when God gave you the opportunity to soar with your wings of faith? I fear that we have missed more opportunities to soar than we realize - held back by the power of fear and doubt. Faith must become instinctive in the life of a Christian if we desire to soar - to be free of the limitation that we place on ourselves and the limitations that we foolishly place on God. Instinct = a powerful impulse that feels natural rather than reasoned (Encarta Dictionary). Faith must become a powerful impulse that feels natural as we grow closer to God and understand that He is the Perfect Father who affords His children the opportunity to strengthen our wings of faith with opportunities that require instinct. Our Father's hope for us is driven by His desire for us to instinctively leap off the edge of our nest and soar with wings fully developed and strong in the faith that we have acquired with each and every solo flight. The deep satisfaction of freedom's flight will only be enjoyed as we grow in our Faith (a powerful impulse that feels natural). Oh how our Father wishes for His children to soar.

Help us Abba to fully enjoy Freedom's Flight.